2012 – Înainte de 2013

Choice

Intro

            Se zvoneşte că vom trece printr-o schimbare anul ce ne va bate în ochi cu nonşalanţă, asemeni unei unelte căzute din şantierul cosmic. Ştim cu toţii că în decembrie vom trece cu toţii printr-o transformare. Mai precis, aş vrea şi eu să ştiu… Revizuind diferitele ghiulele care au străbătut Internetul şi minţile umane, constat că majoritatea se aşteaptă la ceva. Cu toate că diferitele viziuni apocaliptice precum o coliziune cu Nibiru, ori o întâlnire de gradul III, sau o izbucnire de conflicte, ori o pătrundere a sistemului nostru solar în partea densă a galaxiei, sau cel puţin o panică generală iscată în rândul unora, pe lângă o cometă nesimţită care va face puţină curăţenie, totuşi, cu toţii ne aşteptăm la ceva. Nu îi uit şi pe cei care sunt sceptici şi fermi cu privire la toate acestea. “Nu se va întâmpla nimic, domle’ “. Pot însă miza că ceva se va întâmpla. O nouă veste presupune o conştientizare globală faţă de Terra, cu tot ce cuprinde aceasta, însă eu totuşi mă abţin şi mă aştept doar la un spectacol pe cinste, privind liniştit din spatele ochilor cum brusc, după mii de ani, se observă forfota civilizaţiei noastre.

Paradox

              Privind în urmă, în spatele timpului prezent, văd cum s-au ţinut de muncă anumite persoane şi nu s-au speriat de pe acum de cutremurul unui tsunami. Pe lângă descoperirile arheologice (o piramidă găsită cu un telescop), fauna (o nouă specie de delfin, pe lîngă alte câteva sute de specii din alte regnuri), inovaţiile din fizică şi astrofizică (o particulă mai rapidă decît viteza luminii), evenimentele geologice (tsunami-ul din Japonia, o nouă insulă ce s-a ridicat în Marea Roşie – după cum a şi prevăzut Edgar Cayce), omul ca fiinţă inteligentă nu s-a sinchisit să îşi întoarcă privirile către el însuşi. În continuare, avem dificultăţi în modul de a comunica şi de a înţelege, accepta, probleme în organizarea politică, lacune în contribuţia socială şi interumană. Bineînţeles, încă nu s-a rezolvat problema puterii şi a războaielor, inutile din prisma proprie-mi, şi nici nu s-a găsit o soluţie în privinţa banului, ca să nu mai spun de diferitele ameninţări geo-globale ce ar trebui măcar să ne înfricoşeze, ţinând cont de faptul că în orice clipă poate să se rupă o calotă de cine-ştie câţi km din Antarctica.

              Ar mai trebui să spun, totuşi, referitor la partea noastră de plapumă, că sistemul de educaţie tot sub artileria ministerului se află, iar materialismul şi mondenul încă reprezintă un “stil de viaţă”. Nu trebuie să le comentez, se ştie prea bine unde este baza tuturor problemelor. După cum Murphy spunea, “găsirea soluţiilor unei probleme e foarte simplu, formularea problemei e greu”. Păi, uite sursa: nu ştim problema, dar căutăm soluţii, care pentru mine (şi îmi cer scuze în avans pentru cei care se simt moral pălmuiţi) înseamnă că habar nu avem despre ce e vorba: e ca şi cum am încerca să rezolvăm un test de matematică fără să ştim nici măcar o simplă formulă ori metodă de rezolvare, iar tot ceea ce facem noi este să ghicim soluţia. Patetic (cu toate sensurile posibile).

Click sau enter?

              Cu toate dezastrele care pot avea loc în acest glorios an… Nu. Nu e glorios, dar cu siguranţă va fi amintit şi reamintit până la finele civilizaţiei umane pentru toată stupiditatea cu care a fost abordat. Aşadar, “cu toate dezastrele ce pot avea loc în acest an de neuitat”, singura mea preocupare e creatura aceea tâmpă din faţa oglinzii care o privesc zilnic, care mă minte mereu că “totul e bine, trebuie doar să vezi”. Ca un 9gagger cum se cuvine: “Bitch please!”, totul e bine dacă încerci şi tu să fie bine. Ştim cu toţii că “timpul…” face multe, chiar dacă îl iroseşti sau îl fortifici. Din acest motiv adopt “Time you enjoy wasted, was not wasted”. Prefer să îmi petrec aşa-zisul ultim an din viaţa mea de adolescent alături de familie şi de oameni, departe de izolarea muzicală şi tărâmul visurilor şi speranţelor, unde aţi fost şi voi dealtfel. Departe de cluburile de noapte, de mesele de biliard, de prietenii ignoranţi cărora le datorez sincere scuze că am încercat să îi fac să priceapă unde greşesc faţă de ei şi faţă de ceilalţi. Departe de idioţii în care tot sper că se pot schimba. Departe de mesajele lungi, aproape interminabile, care solicită cu disperare un ENTER când doresc să mă explic şi să îmi exprim punctul de vedere cu acurateţe. Aproape de un CLICK – mult mai scurt, mult mai ieftin decât la Altex sau Vodafone (nici măcar un sms nu mă costă), la fel ca un bip. La obiect, domnu’, fără să îmi mai bat capul că e probabil ca cineva să nu fi înţeles cum trebuie ceea ce am vrut să spun. Simplu, cum spuneam, anul acesta nu îl mai irosesc, poate doar vreo câteva minute pe zi, dar nimic mai mult.

Until next time, Happy New Year’s Eve. ‰

Schimbări

Util e să fii tu, să nu te consideri altul,

din două cărţi ce le ţii în mână.

Întrebări pe care se mai pune o săptămână

Am rămas afiş cam ca tine,

Să scriu acum.

 

Nu mai spun multe, rămân închis

Şi-mi spun deschis,

Pe însumi gând în scris,

Că viaţa e aşa cum vrei,

Colorează-o şi fă-o să fii al ei

cum crezi de cuviinţă.

Anturajul priveşte-l ca decor

Fii tu cel ce are în inodor

Drumul petrecut de prieteni,

Sau al trupului viitor.

Libertăţile alegerii, acusticul vizual,

Ori eşti tu ca ei, ori îi

Faci pe ei ca tine.

Amalgam

Carte de vot ce a avut loc.

Automat retragere de foc

musteata cu vointa,

papusi de hartie. Vorbe

si ganduri spuse intr-o poezie.

 

Matur de calm nimeni nu poate sa stie

ca toti raspund la telefon;

miscari de situatii si medicamente.

Oftat de copil ce-a bagat numai pastile

ca i s-a stricat ritmul.

 

Si nu mai bate bine-n ochi si urechile

vor numai violenta, cred ca a creat tv, pc

vreun fel de dependenta. Afirmat e de un plisc,

situatie batrana.

Drum de apa umplut cu haine;

incordat un sunet de usa sparge

 

Pahare pline de tablouri actioneaza

butoane de convingeri si concluzii.

 

by Un Simplu Nicaieri

About people (reactions)

To be or not to be… nice, honest, kind?

People aren’t decided. And they will never be, perhaps only in one way if it occurs, and that’s survival.  They won’t accept endings and won’t appreciate beginnings.

If it comes to being kind to them, showing that you care, allowing them all sorts of unpleasant actions, just because you know they will eventually learn from mistakes, you will end up being considered inferior in their eyes. And not only, you sure will begin asking yourself if that’s true. If that isn’t enough, be sure to always watch your own back before giving a free tip, the person who you advised will sometimes apply it on you. However, think different! Be cruel, harsh, insanely bad to them and you get prosecuted for violating human rights. You will get a warning, a moral slap, a cruel pair of eyes from each person (if it gets public), and eventually you will be treated as a villain. What? wait a minute, I thought I was the good guy…

Everyone expects honesty, trust, social comfort. It’s simple, everyone wants what’s good in the end, right? I mean who doesn’t?  The problem is right there, everyone wants what is best, without giving anything in exchange. I don’t mean money, I mean kindness, respect, understanding, common wealth. The problem is, in fact, that if you are honest, they will think you’re just too rude, harsh. If you go to a fat person and tell him the truth about his fitness, you could end up with some broken legs. If you tell the reality to a man whose only concern is money, sex, fame, you’ll be just a guy with nothing else better to do in his eyes.  However, if you tell everyone what they like to hear, they will treat you as a liar, not to mention they’ll put you in the back corner of the world.

Those who saw “Meet Joe Black” surely saw a scene related to this. “What’s wrong with you people? I come to take you, you want to stay, I let you stay, you want to go” . At least, when it comes to death, I understand why. Some people aren’t ready yet, some are, or, as the old lady told : “I’ve gathered enough pictures”

In the end, people are the same in expectations, but different in wishes. That’s why “trying to make everyone happy will make you unhappy” is undeniable, but yet, I’m stubborn and continue, because there are some I make happy and help in the end.

And that will make me happy as well, for the simple fact that I gave something back that others gave to me. I’ve made an equilibrium inside-outside.

About Life

Romanian version

Se regaseste oriunde, in Cosmos, pe Terra, oriunde, oricand. Poate avea diferite conotatii, de la cele biologice pana la cele filosofice. Cat despre viata la rangul uman, este complex si simplu simultan. De ce? Simplitatea prin care se realizeaza legaturile intre diferiti indivizi, intre om si restul mediului, este revelatoare in cadrul unei analize.

Privind viata asemeni unei ancore, aceasta patrunde in adancimile materiei, reprezentata de altfel de viata. Insa ce reprezinta in fapt viata? Miscare ordonata ori haotica atat a materiei cat si a energiei, ansamblu cumulativ si multiplicativ al conectiunilor infinite? Este viata infinita? Exista viata pretutindeni, indiferent de locatie? Poate fi asimilata cu alte forme universale de exprimare, or este caracterizata de originalitate ca forma?

Ce caracterizeaza viata? Frumosul, uratul? Bunatatea, ura? Toate concomitent as preciza. Orice este caracterizat de viata. Ea reprezinta tot ceea ce ne inconjoara, prin urmare nu exista moarte. Cea din urma simbolizeaza punctele esentiale de transformare a formelor vietii. De ce sa iti fie frica de moarte, cand oricum nu piere sufletul? Sunt nu sigur, ci complet relaxat in privinta acestui aspect, intrucat orice ma reprezinta asa cum oricine il reprezinta.

Nu este dificil de caracterizat viata, insa majoritatea ne raportam la ceea ce cunoastem deja cand incercam sa definim. Spre exemplu, cum poate viata sa fie simbolizata de un pix sau orice alt obiect, caci ceea ce este viu semnifica in fapt deja viata. Raspunsul e pretutindeni. La baza din ce suntem formati? Atomi, ai carui protoni, neutroni si electroni sunt in miscare datorita energiei.  Acestia se regasesc oriunde, asadar sticla prin care citesti ori plasticul de la LCD e impregnat cu viata de asemenea, intrucat exista miscare, desi nu o putem vedea. De asemenea, nici timpul nu poate fi oprit, ci doar incetinit. Asadar, miscarea, simplistic vorbind, este baza vietii. Ea, nestatornicia defineste materia si energia, angrenandu-le intr-un sistem neantic.

Pana si linistea poate fi caracterizata de viata, desi nu ar parea. Cand nu vezi absolut nimic, esti sigur ca privesti dintr-o “lumina” buna ceea ce iti doresti, ori ceea ce vrei sa vezi?

Pentru a intelege catusi de putin viata in sine, nu trebuie sa ne raportam la o priveliste convergenta doar asupra oamenilor, animalelor, plantelor. Ci la tot, absolut si incontestabil intreg. Pornind de la atomi, la molecule, bacterii, plante, animale, sol, elemente chimice, planete, sisteme solare, stele, asteroizi, comete, meteoriti, valuri / vanturi solare, galaxii, pulsar-uri, quasar-uri, conglomerate de galaxii, multiversuri, infinit. Si totusi, nu am precizat inca nici a mia parte.

Insa vidul? este reprezentat de viata, reprezentativ pentru viata?

Ce reprezinta insa vidul? un spatiu lipsit de aer ori gaze, in interiorul caruia se formeaza presiuni enorme. Exemplul cel mai simplu este o seringa. Goleste seringa de aer, apoi astupa etans capatul, trage de piston si voila! Ai creat un vid. Acesta nu este caracterizat de miscare, insa permite miscarea (altfel cum curentii solari ajung la planete?), deci poate fi considerat  ca parte din viata.

Sa privim viata ca o simpla insiruire de evenimente, in timpul carora ne strabat experiente noi ori dobandite, cu diferite parti auxiliare (cum ar fi materialismul spre exemplu, prezent din ce in ce mai des), este simplu. E tipic chiar, suntem uneori speriati de ceea ce nu cunoastem, fapt ce ne-a determinat sa nu permitem curiozitate, ci doar obisnuinta.

Dar pentru oricine viata are o alta forma, diferita ori asemanatoare altora, cu multitudini de subsonice vibratii, sentimente si memorii. Tie sub ce forma iti apare viata?

English version 

It can be found anywhere, in Cosmos, on Earth, anywhere, anytime. It can have different connotations, from biological ones to philosophical. As for life at a human level, it’s complex and simple simultaneously. Why? The simplicity through which the connections are made between different individuals, between man and the rest of the environment, is revealing when it comes to an analysis.
Looking at life as to an anchor, it penetrates in the deeps of matter, represented otherwise by life. But what actually means life? An organized or chaotic motion both of matter and energy, cumulative and multiplied ensemble for infinite connections? Is life infinite? Is there life anywhere, no matter which location? Can it be assimilated with other universal forms of expressing, or is it unique as a form?

So what defines life? Beauty, uglyness? Kindness, hate? All in the same time I’d say. Anything is defined by live, it represents everything that surrounds us, therefore there is no death. Death doesn’t mean anything but key points of transformation for shapes of life. Why be afraid of death, when your soul doesn’t perish anyway? I’m not sure, but relaxed when it comes to this aspect, because anything represents me the same way anyone represents it.
It’s not difficult to define life, but most take in consideration only what they know when try to analyze. For example, how life can be symbolized by a pen or any other object (what is vivid signifies already life). The answer is anywhere. What are made of, in deep terms? Atoms, of which protons, neutrons, electrons are impregnated with life as well, because motion is present, even though we can’t see it. Also, neither time can’t be stopped, only slowed. Therefore, motion, in simplistic terms, is the base of life. It defines matter and energy, engaging them in an infinite sistem.
Even quiet can be defined by life, though it might not seem this way. When you don’t see anything, are you sure you’re in the right “light” to look for what you wish or what you want to see?
To understand as little as possible life itself, we must not adopt a convergent view over people, animals, plants. We must think about all, everything, absolute and indisputable whole. Starting from atoms, to molecules, bacterias, plants, animals, soil, planets, chemical elements, solar systems, stars, asteroids, comets, meteors, solar waves / winds, galaxies, pulsars, quasars, galaxy clusters, multiple universes, infinite. Still, I haven’t told nothing yet.
But what about the void? is it defined by life, does it represents life?

What actually void means? An empty space, with no air or gases soever, in which interior holds enormous pressure. The best example is a syringe. You empty it, block it tight, pull the piston and voila! You made a void. The void it’s not defined by motion, but it allows it however (otherwise how come solar winds get to planets?), so it may be considered as part of life.
Looking at life like to a simple sequence of events, during which we are passed by new or gained experiences, with different additional parts (like materialism for instance, present daily), it’s easy. Even typical, we are sometimes scared of what we don’t know, event that blocked our curiosity and allowed us to be used to this kind of things.
But for anyone life has another form, different or similar to others, cu lots of subsonic vibrations, feeling and memories. How does life appears to you?

About Decisions

What triggers a decision? An event, logically.

But decisions are made every day, every second. In this instance, you decided to read, instead of doing something else. And, deciding makes us who and what we are. There are  multiple types of decisions, and a lot more points of view for this concept. However I shall try and resume them.

Therefore, when it comes to our future, we can’t know for sure what decision is right to make.  Uncertainty makes us this unsure, not only of what will come, but also for what might not, not to mention about our own will. Hence, deciding is difficult, even though sometimes we do it in rush. However, we could lose precious time while thinking what to do.

By judging facts, past, own (or not) experience, we choose from a different set of options what is best to do. Sometimes, there are miscalculations involved, and therefore is easy to be wrong.  Also, some events might not seem what they really are in fact,  hence the inaccuracy in judging.

Decisions can be for a short period of time, with long / short effects (in matter of impression), or for a long period of time, with the same duality. For the first type, a good example is this :

You are in the middle of a fight between your parents.  As one of them is right, the other is the same, but the event from which they’ve started arguing is unfair, claiming justice from corruption. At this point is the first type of decision, meaning you must interact (or not) in someones favor. And is not easy, even though you will not interfere at all, sooner or later you will see that being “blind” turned you to this next stage of decision, which is for a long period of time:

After countless fights, your parents divorce. Too directly? Excuse me, but that is it. So, they’re divorced and you must choose in who’s custody you’ll be. If you choose one of them, this decision is with a long effect, if you don’t choose at all, it’s just a delay.

From this example you can clearly see that making a decision is crucial, no matter facts and time. So,  if you choose wrong, you will get the chance to choose again. It’s also available for no choosing at all, the only thing that is a bit bad for you is that later isn’t better. Later, the same decision you will have to make will be more difficult, in matter of seeing it, of the events that will occur, of the persons / environment from then. No wonder “sooner is better”.

However, sometimes decisions must be made real fast, and time will be a luxury few can afford (if they’re used with this situations). For instance, you are at the airport, ticket bought, your love aside, ready to go and make a greater future for you both. But only you can go aboard, because she is on a program here. The fact is that you must decide, you can’t just stay and be maintained by her all your life.  Oh, and you have less than five minutes to climb aboard.

Yes, decisions are difficult, always, they affect the future, not only your own, but others as well.

That doesn’t mean however you can’t pick 10 minutes of your free time to imagine different situations, to pay a little attention to others experience, to listen some stories, to document yourself, finally.

But always you must be sure that you make your OWN decisions. Not the decisions of others, directly or indirectly. Yours only.

Before making a decision, try and see all the events that took you here. And not only, try and see what is best for you, and for others. You don’t want to feel guilty later for you own safety, trust me, because the same decision you will have to endlessly make, until you do it right.

But this is little compared to all the decisions we make in a lifetime. Think about this: from 10 to 70 years, you can’t be sure what is right, not fully at least. But you can be sure of what you are doing, and that’s only by your choice. If you know what you want, then deciding will be easy compared to taking fly lessons. Honestly now.

About sincerity

Honestly? No. Just kidding.

Every day that passes by you lie. And you do it with such amusement and  so much entertainment that we don’t even realize we’re lying ourselves in fact. What? Don’t believe it? Look in that mirror from the corner of your room. What do you see? Are you that sure it’s just you? Really? What happened to the oldest version of you? Honestly….

Remember “10 years old”? It didn’t seem back then that problems would change your concepts later. And not just that, back then, I bet you my own life you never thought that there will be a day when you’ll stand up in front of the mirror and be, first, a bit scared of what you’ve become. Not to mention, sometimes you could be ashamed, or literally afraid, and not only for your own sanity, but for others. Where’s that kind look of yours? Did it fade away in this mist?

Close your eyes, touch the mirror, feel the other hand from the other side, and walk trough all your memories you’ve let go.  How many times you’ve broken your promises? How many times did you really enjoyed seeing someone? How many times did you actually find it pleasant to excuse yourself when you have mistaken facts? When was the last time you sincerely admitted you’ve talked not that good about someone? Most important, when did you first took you’re own life in the front line, to be sure no one is going to regret they’ve met you? I mean, when you didn’t give a damn about yourself so others may take this as an example to care about others more than themselves?

I know, is hard to be honest. Is hard to be the “last man” in a world full of people… But try to be everyday honest with yourself, try to do something without giving a damn if someone watches you, if someone tells you it isn’t right. When the most trusted person of yours tells you you’re wrong, you’re not that bad, then and only then you can truly say you have been honest with yourself. But I have to say, it matters also who you actually trust. Real friends are hard to find, and I bet you know that as well.

However, honesty is rare, especially in this kind of world. Being bumped by mistake and then receiving apologies doesn’t mean they actually met to apologize. For example, a friend of mine, in a bus, stepped my foot by mistake, and he apologized (“Sorry for that”). Then, when he turned to me and saw it was my foot he was stepping on, he said :”Oh man, I’m really sorry, I didn’t met to, for real now” . . .

As acceptance, sincerity has some levels. First you try to be honest, but avoid saying some things. I don’t say you lie here, you just hesitate. Second, you are honest, but still, you don’t bother to mention those things avoided, even though they might not mean important for the person you are speaking to. And yes, you are not lying either, but you are faking as nothing even happened. Third, you realize some things must not be told, and avoid at all costs to mention them. Here, you actually are lying, because if that person becomes interested, then you must lie in order to not reveal them.

The fourth level of sincerity is when you’re sorry you’ve lied / hidden the truth.  In this stage you are admitting your errors, but still, you hesitate to say everything, including it to yourself. The last level, the main level, is when you have two types of revealing state. First, commonly like an implosion, you are starting to be harsh on yourself, and admit everything, and I mean everything, not only the lie previously told, but every single thing you knew it wasn’t true / fully true. Second, similar to an explosion, is the following state of an implosion. In this state, you admit it to everyone, with no remorse, but still, you don’t say it to the one you’ve lied.

And that’s it. It’s generally alike, but it depends on how much courage of facing truth / themselves people have.  There is a sixth level, were you finally admit it to the person needed, but those are few, and really lucky, to be honest. Why? Simple, if you have ever experienced something like this, then surely you will remember it every day of your life. How? If you try to lie, then you will be filled with deception.

But (big “but”), if every single person could control their levels, then it will not be a problem anymore. Being honest makes you have no problem with lies, meaning that if you don’t have the occasion to lie, then you don’t need to lie. Simple as that? try it in real life, in the front of the mirror, in daily routine, in every single second. It’s hard to tell the truth, “the whole truth and nothing but the truth”? I bet you it is.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

01 Own

Most of us already have enjoyed this pleasant vibration. Soulness “chill-axing” sensation filling up our inner bodies, pushing us to this point of line. Our experience will never be enough to understand everything, no matter how many information we gather, but the least we can do is to try.

And now, at this possible edge, for some, or endless road, for others, we have a new way of seeing things, of calculating our path trough this blur, of leading our dreams / concepts / work to their purpose and continuity.  As Murphy said, “the real concern is finding the problem, solutions are easier”, so the question needed to be asked is: What made me this way?

Going trough time, backing in, I found out that everything “created” this “me”, as it is available for each and one of us. However, there are some critical points in life when a split second makes the difference in the years to come. So what brought you in this state? What made you not to act differently? What changed your set of concepts in such manner that the kid from ten years ago is no longer the same as now (even though some might have been experiencing a few changes, they’re not the same ) ?

I can’t stop asking myself, the answer for me is complex, gathering all things, from simple looks / interactions / events / hobbies / games / social interferences / conditions to complex changes of view / style / look / objectives / links .

However, the conclusion is always simple, hanging in front of my eyes like the mirror of your car.  Let’s assume you’re traveling by car a million miles. The distance you’ve traveled by now it’s not important, however, you can only see mountains and an endless road ahead. The only thing you pay attention to is your fuel, speedometer, steering wheel and the other cars. The side mirrors are purposed to remind you a few concepts or memories. The main rear mirror however has another sense, and that’s to remind you always from where you’ve started from, because on this road nobody gets a map, just a bad working GPS – that shows you, like a compass, your will, which in some cases we forget to acknowledge.

And… what made this new “you”, anyway?

00 Prologue

Prematuritate

Si-am fost si eu ca voi. Si eu credeam in stele vii, in ganduri necugetate, in locuri indisputabile, si in fiinte tandre, o lume roz, o viata buna, o varsta buna, in multe tentatii, in multe oportunitati, in multe sanse esentiale, concepte preformale si mai tarziu dezvoltate; in prieteni, amici, in glasul lumii, in glasul inimii… Mdah, glasul inimii, cotropitor fara voie, de sine dinamic ce-ti destrama ori cladeste lumi efemere desprinse din tainice, sporadice, basme, fie ireale ori inspirate.

Credeam si in Dumnezeu, si in adevar, desi nu il stiam, si in fapte diverse, si in paradisiace lumi, si in utopiile trecute, si in deziderate nefaste, ori visuri sau vise… Esenta copilariei in contact cu adolescenta a provocat efervescenta (nearticulat), mentinand aceste credinte departe de vid si de lacul de ceara deasupra caruia ma aflu. Cum fiecare aspect din noi este, pe parcursul etapelor esentiale, dezvoltat, modificat, actualizat ori inlocuit, diferentele pot fi grandioase de la varsta prematuritatii. Si pentru fiecare din noi exista momente cheie ce zdruncina din temelii propriul caracter, ce cu atentie marita l-am sadit, ingrijit si inflorit. Ori un hobby, ori un dar, sau o fiinta, chiar si o idee, totul a fost alterat fata de prognoza infantila ce ne-am impus-o ori de altii impusa.

Diferite detalii au determinat caracterul prezent datorita influentei permise de noi insine. Din acest motiv consider ca persoana mea, ca si cea a fiecaruia, este un reactant obtinut din doar doi produsi : mediul inconjurator si persoanele aferente. Noi am contribuit doar cu vointa proprie, putin talent si un strop de instinct.

La 15 ani acesti produsi m-au determinat sa ajung intr-un punct decisiv pentru mine, iar acum cand evoc acele momente si incerc sa prezic diferentele ce ar fi intervenit, nu as mai fi fost la fel. Atunci, eu cautand adevarul, eram plimbat printr-un circ imens, expunandu-mi-se diferite idealuri, portiuni de adevar (foarte atent ascunse) si o duzina de liniste. Si nimic nu m-a influentat mai mult decat linistea, din toate prismele de vedere. Am realizat atunci ca “Daca vei cauta adevarul, te va gasi”. Si m-a gasit, dar nu mi s-a aratat, decat, cum spuneam, prin portiuni.

Interesandu-ma si fiind mai curios, pe masura evolutiei, descopeream noi orientari, noi prisme, noi obiective si, din fericire nefasta, noi prieteni. Cei vechi, datorita timpului, deveneau inramari, iar noile cerinte, praful ce facil si lin se asterna, strat cu strat, peste. Dubios fiind acest fapt, caci tentativele mele esuau mereu in cautarea intoarcerii. Nu a trebuit mult pentru a ma obisnui cu ideea ca drumul meu, lumina din capat, era de fapt de neatins, de nimeni. E foarte curios modul in care am ajuns sa gandesc, sa simt, sa ma exprim, sa reactionez si sa creez. Ma mir de un singur lucru, mai precis, o auto-interogare ce mi-am aplicat candva : ” De ce existi? Lumea pare sa mearga bine-mersi, fara probleme. Rostul tau poate fi de a influenta la randul propriu, dar privindu-va ca o rasa, esti dispensabil. Bun, poate ca ai intr-adevar ceva mai mult de contribuit, dar…. TU ce cauti aici, de fapt?”

Si incet, sigur, cu salturi ori mari, ori minuscule, traversam timpul: de la pustiul “average” la traceur, de la un hobby la altul, de la un gand la un sistem, de la Cayce pana la Multivers, de la Nimic-nicie la Paradox; de la minciuna la samburi, de la coruptie la pact, de la acceptare la revolta, de la pasivitate la o tendinta trecatoare, de la milisecunde la o viata, de la pace la frica, de la Dumnezeu la plural incert…. de la punct la inceput.

Au fost ani, de zile! Si ma refer strict la umanitate, cu toata splendoarea si banalitatea ei, trivial si spiritual. Si nu regret nimic. Atat de multe infinitati, ca omul de va sta sa le gandeasca, calculeze, nici macar trecutul nu l-ar putea deslusi. Nimic, decat unul singur, simplu, amplu, ce va reverbera mereu in cortex: promisiuni incalcate.

Si desi trec zilnic prin ipostaze separate, dar de tipar, cu calibru propriu, mereu ma gasesc incert si abisat, precum coloanele lui Brancusi, falnice fasii dimensionale, strabatand cadrele obiectivului existential euforic, pretutindeni, intim. E usor sa privesti intregul ca fiind tot, iar in acel moment sa te gandesti, logic, la tot. Dar incercati singuri sa adaugati la acel “intreg” toate cunostintele proprii, teoriile existente, posibilitatile probabile, dimensiunile existente, Multiversurile chiar, energia si straniul concept unificator al tuturor enumerate pana acum. Incercati infinitul, asemeni unui mar. Il gusti, muscand incet din el, cu sfiala parca, ia pe masura ce te aproprii de seminte, nu ramane nimic altceva mai puternic intiparit decat gustul.

Acel gust reprezinta sinapsa fundamentala dintre mere, cu toate ca pare prea simplistic exprimat. Senzatia, sentimentul ori starea obtinuta va mentine pluriexistenta neantica a paradoxurilor.